Dear Dad


Caitlyn Munyon

Is it always so hard just to love me for me? To share that unconditional love parents are supposed to give without a second thought. You have never done that for me, and in some ways, I can understand. You were older, and I was abnormal in what is classified wrong for society. I’m ashamed of it because of the thoughts beat into my brain since youth:

“You are a boy. Stop playing with your sisters’ toys.”

“Why are you so close to your guy friend? Stop hanging out with him.”

“Stop acting gay.”

The way you treated me was not fair on any level. This is why we weren’t close and why I can’t forgive you. These words hurt before I even had the opportunity to come out to you. You didn’t know but then I told you when I was old enough to leave. You abandoned me in the pits of my mind. I became depressed and sad and all the emotions held back for fear of you abusing me surfacing after many years. This isn’t what coming out is supposed to be about. It isn’t supposed to be filled to the brim with fear; the mood is supposed to be warm and comforting in a teenager’s vulnerable state. 

I was kicked to the curb rather harshly, and I cannot get back up for I am bruised and battered. I am hurt in all the places that matter most: mentally and physically. How am I supposed to go on knowing my family, you mostly, didn’t love me unconditionally. That you didn’t want me anymore because of who I love, but it will be okay. I’ll be okay without you. I will be fine without a family because a family is who makes you feel safe. And I will eventually find my safe haven without you.